


Storybrooke Vs The Righteous Flock (Redux)

by polybi



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Bigot reforms, F/F, F/M, Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Revised Version, Satire, Storybrook fights bigots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 14:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19929685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polybi/pseuds/polybi
Summary: Storybrooke goes up against a group of bible-thumping, anti-gay bigots. A revised version of a story first printed in fanfiction.net





	1. What In The Name Of The Gods???

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of crack.
> 
> Well, actually, there’s enough crack to keep Charlie Sheen happy for a week..
> 
> RIPPED (sound of paper ripping) FROM THE HEADLINES...SwanQueen and Team FTL take on some infamous bigots.
> 
> OUAT Characters are owned by Disney/ABC, used here for fanship and fun. Any other characters are fictitious, but.....or skip it, they have it coming...
> 
> My writing skills have deteriorated, but I think I have a good story here. DETAILED comments welcome.
> 
> And for you sticklers, AU, Post-curse, Post-magic, Post cereals make breakfast a little bit better. Happy?
> 
> And for those who probably think this is familiar, it is. I just never posted it on Ao3. This is set in AU S4, which means some name correction, Putting Z in the mix, along with a few other characters. So enjoy and PLEASE leave comments.
> 
> God, I miss them.

_ “WHAT. IN THE NAME. OF. THE. GODS...?????” _

The mayor of Storybrooke, Maine was usually quiet with her morning coffee at Granny’s. Oh, there usually was the occasional murmur as she discussed whatever with either Judge Mal Page. aka Maleficent, her half-sister Zelena, aka the Wicked Witch of the West  _ (who was  _ **_not_ ** _ there that morning...overslept) _ or Snow White, aka Mary Margaret. Or the usual sweet nothings/morning argument/make-up sex between Mayor Regina Mils, aka the Evil Queen and her partner/Sheriff Emma Swan, aka The Saviour. But  _ this. _ ..

“So, Madame Mayor, what has our panties in a bunch THIS morning?” Regina Mills really did not need the patented sarcasm of waitress-and-reason-Zelena-overslept-wink-wink Ruby Lucas right now....whatever it was, it set her off, and she was getting ready to rip someone’s head off. A certain part-time waitress/part-time Deputy/part-time werewolf would do nicely.

Before Regina could reply, three overly cheerful bodies strode into the inn: Snow, daughter Emma, and grandson Henry. Emma kissed the top of her brunette head and could tell instantly that something was up.

“What’s wrong, babe.....?”

Regina lightly shoved that morning’s edition of the  _ Mirror _ in front of Emma pointed sharply to the offending article’s headline..

**_RIGHTEOUS FLOCK PROTEST FUNERAL OF LESBIAN SUICIDE VICTIM, 15._ **

“Oh, my. How horrible!” Snow sighed her shock at the headline. Henry, who was smarter than his teen years would allow him to be, rolled his eyes. Emma had to hold back an epithet with her young son in the room.

And Regina continue to seethe. “I know that had been a heartless bitch in the past...but these excuses for humans are beyond the pale. No respect for the dead! How could they...?”

Ruby chimed in: “I know. These guys have picketed soldiers, show biz folks, people who died of AIDS.....All because they don’t fit their narrow view of religion...” She was about to make a sound that seemed to start with the letter “F” when both Regina and Emma gave off-duty werewolf The Look, with Emma pointing Henry  _ (who gave off a good-Lord-I’ve-heard-the-word-before-I’m- _ **_14_ ** _ -for-Gods’-sake eye roll) _

Snow observed all this with much exasperation. “All I know is that when I read about stuff like this....I mean, what’s the use of all this magic we inherited when we can’t do something with it....like turn these creeps into frogs or something...”

A near silent bell rings, followed by a familiar brogue replying to the teacher/Queen: “Actually, Miss Blan- _ charrd.. _ .frogs are so...shall we say..stereotypical...” Snow seldom went by that name anymore, but Gold occasionally used it, just to tighten the screw a bit.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Mr. Sunshine. What do you want, Gold...?

“My dear Sheriff, you cut me to the quick. I just walked in to purchase a cup of coffee and maybe mingle with my fellow Storybrookians, and all I get is negativity....come. come Ms. Mills-Swan...”

“At least you finally got the name right,” Regina inserted with a cocked eyebrow.

Robert Gold glanced at the paper and his eye caught the story that was the focus of the conversation he walked into. His eyes and mood grew dark. “Bastards.”

“Mr. Gold?,” asked Snow.

Gold stared at the paper for a second. “and they called  _ ME _ inhuman.”

Suddenly, the Sheriff took the newspaper off the table, grabbed the paper, then grabbed a chair, pulled it next to the mayor, and grabbed the mayor’s hand as green eyes met brown. “Don’t let a bunch of bible-toting inbreds work on you like this.”

Regina’s hands tightened on Emma’s: “Princess, don’t you understand....these people are talking about us! Not only us...there’s _ (looks at the waitress) _ Red and my sister , Mal, Sidney, Ingrid...hell.. **_ANYONE_ ** who  _ loves _ differently,  _ acts _ and  _ thinks  _ differently than they do. Back in the realm...this would  _ not _ be tolerated...”

As she and Henry both sat down at the table, Snow confirmed this: “I can tell you that is true. Next to me, she hated bigots more than anything..”

“May I remind you, Snow White...at least  _ YOU’RE _ in the land of the living..” A hint of the more sarcasting Regina slipped through as she took a sip of still-hot coffee. Snow raised a brow, and both Emma and Henry seemed relieved that things were back to normal a bit. But Regina was still frustrated. “ It’s just with all we can do now, with all this magic...we can’t do something about these...these....”   


It was then that Regina Mills-Swan went rigid. Chocolate eyes opened brightly. Breathing became labored.

Then that smile. Gold knew that smile. So did Snow. Emma started to know it, but though they were married, she did not have experience with this. Henry knew, maybe because of the book....

“Refill, Madame May....?” Ruby Lucas, with a pot of hot java refill in hand saw the smile. She knew in an instant something was up.

The Evil Queen was in the house again.

She looked directly, almost seductively to her wife. “Well you know what they say about Muhammad and that mountain...”

Then the brunette started delegating. “Deputy..” Ruby knew she was now also on the city’s clock. “I’m going to send you a list and instructions. It will be on my desk as soon as you get off here. And call that oversexed redhead and charitably call sister. Tell her it’s time to get wicked.”

Gold, as questioning as can be and as pompous as ever: “Your majesty, what exactly is swimming in that devious brain of yours...?”

“Mr. Gold...” she said with a sarcastic level of cheeriness, “I just want to give the fine folks in the Righteous Flock something to.....think about.” She smiled broadly. Like a cheerleader on tie stick.

The other three, the wife, the son, and the too-young-to-be mother-in-law were collectively scratching their heads.

Speaking for the trio, Emma looked at her lover and asked, “Well can you at least tell me?”

Regina: “Let’s just say it's a little prank. We  _ are _ going to have to get these people up here to do it...”

A shocked Henry said. “But mom...these guys are...well...EVIL..”

“You  _ do  _ know who you’re talking to, Henry.” There was that sense of malevolent mischievousness that Regina used to sport around often before she allowed Emma to move into the mansion.

Particularly evident as she turned to the former Mary-Margaret Blanchard...

“Oh, and Snow, for this to work, I am going to give you the opportunity you have hoped decades for....

“You, my dear...are going to kill me!”

Everyone’s jaw dropped at the same time, and the only sound Snow White could make in response was a muffled _“_ errp _.....”_

**TO BE CONTINUED**

  
  
  



	2. The Arrival of the Marks....errr...Flock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. the flock arrives. AU as fork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: By now, some of you may have figured out that TRF is a fictional replacement for a certain well-known group in great need of satirization. The name, though, comes from one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Porky’s 2: The Next Day.
> 
> You know have a feeling about how far down the rabbit hole we’re going with this.
> 
> Previously published on fanfiction.net

**_GAY MAYOR DIES...GAY SHERIFF WAS WIFE_ **

**_(US Press) It not that common in the 21st century to find a town with both a LGBT Mayor AND Sheriff. Even more rare that both would be life partners._ **

**_But Sheriff Emma Ann Swan, 29, of the small town of Storybrooke, ME, is mourning the loss of her partner...and boss...Mayor Regina Coralina Mills._ **

**_Mills, who age was not available at press time, collapsed at the home of a friend, Mary Margaret Blanchard. The mayor was declared dead when she arrived at the local hospital._ **

**_Grief then turned ugly when “Tex” Nix and his daughter Polly, leaders of the controversial anti-gay cult The Righteous Flock, vowed to picket Mills’ funeral, the elder Nix calling the relationship, ‘and affront to the creator that made them.”_ **

* * *

Eugenia “Granny” Lucas had run her Inn for more years (make that decades) than she could count. She didn’t get too many visitors, mainly because the curse that enveloped the town for decades kept the hamlet secluded from curious visitors. When the curse was lifted a couple of years ago, people in Storybrooke could come and go as they pleased, but they liked their seclusion. So the late, lamented Mayor, otherwise known then as the Head Witch Bitch in charge (one of Granny’s little pet names for Regina Mills), placed a shroud over the town. You could only visit Storybrooke if Storybrooke wanted you to visit. Everyone else drove down that two-lane through the place sight unseen.

So when the square-jawed, white-haired man with the pot-marked clean-shaven tanned face, wearing a white Stetson hat and western-style suit and boots walked into the inn and stepped up to the desk, accompanied by a younger woman, flat-bodied, chestnut-haired, looking for all the world like Jane Hathaway’s homelier sister, Granny knew that Storybrooke wanted these two in. Besides, Granny was expecting them.

“Ma’am, my name is Tex Nix of the Righteous Flock, and this is my lovely daughter, Polly...”  _ (Granny took a look at the woman and knew the younger woman was well-named...girl had the face of a parrot). _ “...we’d like to rent a room for a few days.”

Granny put on her best fake-pleasant demeanor towards the two: “I’ll be happy to help you you. Righteous Flock...I reckon you’re here for that Mills woman’s service, is that right..?” 

“Yessum,”  _ (Polly’s face was one thing, her voice was another....as irritating as the proverbial finger-nails-on-blackboard). _ “This is NOT an easy place to find.”

“Oh, I understand, honey....”  _ (“be as sweet as pie for these folks,’ the voice in Granny’s head said.”As much as they want to make you hurl...”) _

“Well, we’re here to let folks like this harborer of harlots how folks like us feel...that women like the late Regina Mills and the harlot of a girlfriend of hers are abominations!!”  _ (Tex Nix had a Southern preacher’s voice. Rich baritone. Very forceful. Pompous as shit.)  _

Granny then hands them the keys to their adjacent rooms: 12 and 14. She calls over Hap to help with their luggage (one of the few times the dwarf was not living up to his hatched name). “Well, I know how other places have treated you, but we know how you feel. And believe me, Mr. and Ms., I am being very honest with you when I say, the majority here in Storybrooke will be very happy to take you in. Very very happy!” Granny’s grin is as wide as the Mississippi, and the Nix’s smiles are equally has wide (they really need to see the dentist..). It was only after the pair was safely up the stairs that Granny Lucas exhaled, put her hands over her face, then dropped the hands, exhaled a “Jesus!,” and picked up the phone, and, after it picked up, talked in a very low voice...

“They’re here......they’re worse than I thought.....is everything set? Good...I’ll let our “guests” know that the “wake” is tonight at 7...Bye, Snow.” And with that, Granny hung up.

And as Eugenia Lucas eyed up that staircase, a very conspiratorial smile came over her.

Yes, the residents of Storybrooke will be very, very happy to take this bunch in. Very, very happy...

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next: The wake.
> 
> Once Upon a Time is the property of ABC Studios. This story is done for fun and therapy, not for profit. Unfortunately.


	3. The Wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina's wake.
> 
> Established 2012. The story's that old. With a healthy injection of WIcked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a little serious in this chapter, with the REAL fun coming up in the next chapter. I just wish I can make a profit from this, but I am not and can’t because this is the property of ABC Studios.
> 
> Keep feeding the pigeons. And a special thank you to BondJane. I needed the ego boost.
> 
> (Originally posted in '12. I REALLY need to hear feedback. It's a 7-year-old story with a few insertions and corrections. I want to know if this aged well.)

**The Wake**

It was just as Regina Mills wished. A simple affair, nothing too grand. Though she lived a good deal of life as a Queen and a mayor, this is how she wanted to be seen in death. As simply Regina Coraline Mills. A woman of humble upbringing. Just an average person.

Laying in an ornate glass coffin.

But that is what she wanted. And, as in life, she got what she wanted.

The townspeople of Storybrooke filed into the church to convey their thoughts. Maybe it should have been expected, but the sight of Regina laying in that covered glass box brought up feelings that may have been buried by some.

For Judge Mallie Page aka her best frienemy Maleficent, and Regina’s half-sister, Zelena, there was the sadness that there was not more to those relationships.. For all the things they had done  _ to _ each other, they were there for each other when they needed each other. And Regina was definitely there as Mal and Z were on their own roads to redemption.

Mr. Gold tried to keep composure. But the sight of his arch-enemy laying there so still was almost too much to bear. A single white rose has lain on the coffin, then with his wife Belle holding him up, he slowly moved to his seat, tears inexplicably falling down his face. 

There were the Seven, who filed past the coffin...their finest handiwork. Dr. Whale and his fiance Ginger. Abigail just buried her head in Frederick’s chest at the sight.

None of these people ever thought they would see Regina Mills in a casket. Still. Motionless. Lifeless.

Finally, the family. Blue took care of Henry at home because Emma and Snow White thought the sight of his adoptive mom in that coffin would be too much. First, David In a sense, she was Ginger to his Gilligan, the times before the curse lifted the fog in his mind when she pursued him, and at the same times, he bolted from her charms. Afterward, they laughed about it, but seeing her this way made him wonder.

Emma thought she could hold it together. But she took a look at her woman in that casket, and she could not help it. Red hugged her with one arm trying to console her. Granny just stared blankly at the body in the coffin.

Snow White was the last. She wanted a few minutes alone. “For all these years I dreamed of seeing you here. The curse. Everything. But you couldn’t kill me and I couldn’t kill you. At least for me....I kept thinking about the moment you saved me from that horse. That somewhere deep in that you were not evil. And you weren’t. As much as hated you....I couldn’t...stop...loving...” The word “you” turned into an anguished wail as Snow White collapsed onto her knees next to the coffin, and her husband and daughter had to lift her up and carry her to her seat.

It was not supposed to be like this. Almost everyone in the room hated Regina Coralina

Mills...The Evil Queen. But now, seeing her like this, in that coffin, even with things being as they were, they all realize the debt that they owe the woman. There was not a genuinely dry eye in the house.

Then  _ they _ showed up...

They were about 30 or so....men women and kids. Each of them wearing a T-shirt saying “GOD HATES QUEERS!!” They waltzed into the room singing something about hell and damnation. Everyone knew these people would show up. They just could not believe they would be so brazen.

They stood around the Queen's coffin, murmured something, then Tex Nix, their leader, with gusto, shouted out: “THIS IS A LESSON....FORNICATORS, JEZEBELS, AND DAUGHTERS OF SAPPHO WILL FRY IN THE LAKE OF FIRE!! AND TOMORROW, WE SHALL GIVE THIS SLUT THE SEND OFF SHE DESERVES!!”

Sorrow had long since turned to anger, but Red Lucas could not take more. Briskly she walked up to Nix and his daughter Polly...and the werewolf was steaming. “I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS WOMAN...BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL HER SLUT, YOU GODDAMNED WRINKLED PRUNE!”

Polly stood by her father dumbstruck, while Nix’s face turned almost as red as the cloak Red was wearing” You’re actually defending this scarlet woman?”

“No, you southern fried turd! But you should at least have some respect for the dearly departed!”

Nix retorted Red’s words: “Well maybe tonight we will pray for this lost soul...judging the way this tart’s dressed, it just might be she’s a bigger slut than the corpse!”

That did it. Red lunged at the old man, preceded by her crimson-haired fiance, Zelena who had no intention of holding Ruby back...unless the Wicked Witch could get a punch in herself. By then, Nix’s followers formed a cordon around him to protect him. Nix’s daughter herself just stood spellbound, as Emma, David, Grumpy, and even jumped in to pull Ruby and Z away from the old man. When everyone was separated, Nix gathered himself and his flock, marching out the church singing “Shall We Gather At The River,” with Polly Nix making occasional quick stares at Red, who was breathing heavily, probably doing everything possible to keep from making that lupin transformation.

And while Emma and Snow glanced back at Regina’s prone body in the coffin, Granny embraced her granddaughter, trying to calm her down: “Don’t worry, honey....you’ll have your shot tomorrow...you  _ will  _ have your shot...

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:
> 
> Z was not in the original story, but I love her (And Bex), sooo...


End file.
